Thrive in Stage 5

I've made it to Stage 5

One of the most common questions for someone who has cancer is "How are you feeling?" While people ask this question out of concern or curiosity, it is not a question that can be answered quickly or easily.  This is usually a 20 minute conversation at a minimum if you really want to know the truth.

The short answer to that question will usually depend on which stage someone is in related to their diagnosis. Most likely they are rolling their eyes on the inside and thinking to themselves "Did they really just ask me that question?"

A cancer patient goes thru the same stages that you may associate with grief. And if you think about it, this makes perfect sense. Let's look at each of the stages and the answers that you may hear from your friend or colleague that has been diagnosed with cancer:

Stage 1 - Denial

The answer to the question is "I'm fine." In reality they are reliving the moment that the doctor told them that they have Cancer. They still in their mind are thinking "They aren't talking to me."  I got that call 12 years ago. The doctor told me that I had cancer and I was certain that the pathologist had mixed up my results with someone else's. I had no history of cancer in my family and I felt healthy. I could not have cancer. I continued to bounce back into denial for 7 years until I got the diagnosis of metastatic cancer. I couldn't really deny it any longer after that.

Stage 2 - Anger

The answer to the question is "How do you think I feel?" or "I have Cancer!" I was mad at the diagnosis, my friends, my family, God and even at myself. I'm sure I was angry at a lot of things over the years. Just when I think I'm past the anger stage I find something else that I get mad about. It may be something as small as that thing I used to be able to do but no longer can or as big as yelling at God and asking him again "Why?" After 12 years of this, I have been able to find ways to acknowledge that this is what I am doing and move past the anger stage quickly. This is not a good stage to stay in but it is something that we all go through. Some just move through it faster than others.

Stage 3 - Bargaining

This stage is personal and usually happens simultaneously to one of the others so the answer to the question is likely to be more like one of the other stages. Bargaining is a discussion between you and God. Please God, take this out of my life and I will {fill in the blank}.

Stage 4 - Depression 

In this stage you may not even get an answer, but if you do it will probably start with a heavy sigh or crying. This is normal. Depression manifests itself in many ways. I mourned the fact that my life is now different than what I expected it to be. I worried about what would happen to my family and our finances. My treatment schedule moved along very rapidly after being diagnosed. After six months of chemotherapy and another 2 months of radiation, all of the sudden there were no more treatments scheduled. I mentioned this to the doctor and was told that was very common. I just spent the last year fighting for my life in essence and then BOOM....there is nothing left to do. The depression will come and go throughout just like Denial and Anger.

Stage 5 - Acceptance 

I probably answer this question differently than others. My answer "I'm Awesome!" I have even begun to answer my doctor and his staff with the same response. I make this choice every day. I have accepted that I have Cancer. My life is not what I thought it was going to be. I choose to make the best of each day. My close friends know when I am putting on a good face for someone. But my answer is always the same. Sometimes there is just more enthusiasm than others. I will continue to answer that question the same way as long as I am here.

I choose to Strive in Stage 5. This is one way that I continue to make a BuiltaLife.

My Mount Midoriyama Challenge (I'm not an American Ninja Warrior)

I love to watch American Ninja Warrior (ANW).  I pull hard for the underdog and love the excitement that a contestant shows when they reach the top and push the button.  What an awesome feeling of accomplishment that must be.  I am secretly an adrenaline junkie.  I love roller coasters, have jumped off cliffs in Italy into the Mediterranean Ocean and would love to skydive and/or hang glide.

The ANW contestants train for months and even years to reach the ultimate goal: the top of Mount Midoriyama.  They have to go through 4 stages (there's some irony) to get there.  Each stage has different obstacles that must be completed in order to advance.

My goal is not quite so bold, but I do have a goal that I have kept fairly quiet. I have been toying with the idea in my head for quite a while.  Then I started getting the signs from God (butterflies and and prayers answered - see earlier posts for more on that).  When you starting getting signs from God it is easy to get excited and begin to share with others what your dreams are  I have shared this with a few people recently.  Thinking it would keep me accountable and also testing the waters to see if anyone (besides me) thought it was a good idea.

I got positive feedback from those I shared it with.  Great!  It is time to move forward.  I began drafting/writing a book about Encouragement.  Still not sure the final direction this is going.  Will it be aimed at cancer survivors? Will it be a general encouragement book? Will it really matter who reads it as long as someone finds it helpful?

Then.....BAM!  Life throws you some obstacles.  Some might even say it is Satan testing to see if I have what it takes to persevere through the stumbling blocks.  Will I fold or will I continue on?

Three weeks ago I was totally focused on my writing.  I made great progress and thought I had a decent outline for how I wanted the book to flow. It was exciting and I knew that was what I was being led to do.

Then the first phone call came that knocked me off course.  It was very personal and I'm not going to share the details, but let's just say that for four or five days I did not have the focus to write anything.

Fast forward a couple of days to when my daughter came home for a visit.  We were distracted again by the idea that we needed to get a new-to-her car.  That took several days and I'm happy to report that we got a safe reliable vehicle that I pray will last her about six years.

As a result of the hurdles I completely wore myself out.  Stage 4 cancer can fool you and rob you of the stamina that you think you should have.  After two weeks of road trips and hustle to find a car, my body is screaming at me to rest.  

Today, as I rest, I am reflecting on the last two weeks and realizing that now more than ever it is important for me to push through those obstacles, knock the fear out of the way, and continue on my journey of bringing encouragement to whomever needs it and wants it. That is my Mount Midoriyama, and however many obstacles and stages I have to go through I have my eyes set on the final outcome.

 

Who are you following?

This morning I got to catch up with a friend over coffee.  One of several conversations was about Mentorship and Leadership.  After leaving the coffee shop I drove to see another friend who was in town (she moved out of state over a year ago).  There was a radio ad about Mentoring.  Then the conversation with the second friend touched on finding a Mentor.  Driving back home (it was about an hour car ride) I heard yet another advertisement, different than the first, about Mentoring.

Then on the radio I heard the advertisement for the radio station.  Which, as we all know, usually ends with "Follow us on Facebook and Twitter".

In a world that is so connected via the internet and social media, who are you following?  Have you ever really stopped to think about that?  If you think about it from the perspective that we are who we follow, then who are you?  In every area of life there are people who are trying to be leaders.  Some are trying to make you better.  Others, well, let's just say they are not concerned about where you are going, only that they have someone following them.  As a follower, we need to be concerned with our own path.  A good Leader and Mentor is concerned not only about the path they are on, but also making sure that those following them are on the right path too.

I admit I'm not in the millennial age group.  I do however use Facebook and Twitter.  Some of it started out with keeping up with my kids and their friends.  Then it grew to finding people from High School that I had lost contact with.  Now it seems like such a chore to keep up with all of the new platforms.  I have never done a Vine, and I only logged into Periscope for one personal reason and will probably delete that app after this week ends.

I have been on a personal journey to make only positive, encouraging posts.  Not because I have everything under control.  Sometimes, in fact, it is because I don't. I am trying to offer those that have chosen to 'follow me' a look at a life that may not be perfect but a life that is well lived.

I am going through my friends on Facebook and the people I follow on twitter and asking myself if there posts are aligning with where I want to be headed.  Are they positive in their outlook? If they are constantly complaining about something I am limiting my interaction with them.  Some I have (gasp) un-friended, some I have just hidden.  I have enough going on in my life that I do not need to be pulled into someone else's drama.

So if you are struggling to figure out if you are on the right path it is time to ask yourself... who are you following?  If you don't like the answer or the path you are on, then it is time to find a new leader.

Don't fall Overboard

Have you ever had one of those late night conversations with God where you ask "God, if (fill in the blank) happens, I will know that I'm on the path that you want me to be on."?
I heard someone tell a story about that same thing on the radio the other day.  He said he told/asked God "If somehow my son ends up with the ball, shoots and makes it I will know you are with me."

Now I don't want to get all of my Aggie friends mad at me, but last night as I watched the 16 inning whopper of a baseball game between TCU and A&M, I laughingly said to God "If the Frogs win this game in the bottom of this inning (the 16th), I will know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing with the books that I'm writing." (Did you catch that? It said bookS - plural)

Well, the Frogs pulled it out thanks to a couple of errors on the Aggies and the game ended in the bottom of the 16th inning.  It was after 1 in the morning and I was tired.  But as I went to bed I started to think about this some more.  Yes, I was still a little excited about the win and the trip to the College World Series.

So now I have two different books that I am working on this summer.  I have started working on both of them and they are completely different.  One is a children's book and the other is related to that calling I keep hearing about Encouragement.

But as I lay there last night I thought about the saying we have all heard "Let Go and Let God."  Such a short simple little phrase.  But in the quiet of the night I heard more.

I think in the past I have used that phrase to say "Hey, I trust that God will take care of this." Last night the conversation was more like "I will be by your side as you travel down this path.  We will do this together."

Together.  Yes. I cannot just turn everything over to God.  We are in a partnership.  God is the one steering the ship, but I am his first mate.  A positive result will only come about because I trust God and he trusts me and we both do our jobs.

This will be an interesting journey over the next few months as I figure out how to get my thoughts on paper and out to the world, but I know that it will be easier as long as I remember who is in control.

I'm not really letting Go, I Am letting God steer the ship. Here's to not falling overboard when the waters get choppy.

Are you listening?

Yesterday I went to Best Buy because we needed a new printer.  While I was there I wanted to look at the FitBit and compare it with the Garmin VivoFit to give my husband an idea for my upcoming birthday.
As my daughter and I were looking at the various gadgets, one of the Best Buy employees asked if we needed any help.  Since he saw what we were looking at, I started asking questions about the benefits of the various products.

He was very polite and said "let me go check"  Ok, so he didn't really know anything about the products but he was trying to be helpful so my daughter and I continued to read the information about each of the different styles.

One of my questions related to being able to set a timer to alert me to get up and move.  I know some of these have that feature but each one is just slightly different.  I also wanted one that would let me wear it in the pool when I'm doing water aerobics or swimming laps (don't want to lose count of those activities, ha ha).

Let me give a little description of my situation here before I proceed.  I am standing in the aisle of Best Buy using a cane.  I walk a few steps in each direction with the BB employee looking at each option before he goes off to check the computer.

Now that I have set that scene for you...When he came back, he explained how xyz product would be best because it had a GPS and a heart monitor on them.  Hmmmm. Really? So, does it have the alarm I was looking for and can I wear it in the pool?  He says "No, this one does not have an alarm, but many people really enjoy the GPS." Um, yeah, but if I'm going to use it while I'm swimming laps in a pool is that really the best feature for me?

I looked at him and said "I use the cane for walking and am really looking for something to notify me to move and to track my steps and activity so I can work on increasing my activity. I don't think I really need GPS for that."  He chuckled and then said "well a lot of people really like that it has the heart monitor too."

I have been doing some professional/personal growth training and LISTENING to your customers is one of the main topics that almost all of the leaders talk about.  How can you help someone if you aren't listening to what they need?  This is a skill that takes time and patience to master.

We all want to appear smart by telling people what we THINK they want to HEAR. But are you really listening?

Breaking thru the Fear Wall

Fear is one of the most powerful emotions.  We all have fears.  Some are healthy and some are not.  Fear can make you move quickly or freeze you in your tracks.

Several years ago I was in Italy and had the chance to jump off very large cliffs into the Mediterranean ocean.  I remember standing at the top of the cliff looking down at the ocean and thinking that I must be crazy.  But then I took the leap and it was one of the most exhilarating experiences I have ever had.  I overcame the fear and it is now one of my best memories.

This year I have toyed with the idea of writing a book.  I have several different ideas in mind and yet have not started on any of them.  WHY? Fear.  Fear that my writing isn't good enough.  Fear that no one will like them.  Fear that no one will find my book interesting.

Why should that matter?  If this is the gift that God has given me (I wrote about gifts in an earlier post), am I dishonoring Him by not pursuing this?

This morning in church the preacher talked about some ways God speaks to us.  She ended with a Prayer of Discomfort.  It is an interesting thought. We get caught in our comfort zone and take the easy road.  Is that the road we were meant for? Or does God have something bigger planned for us? It is in the uncomfortable where we find out that we can do more than we could ever have imagined for ourselves.  But much like a parent who knows that their child has greatness within them and pushes them to find it, God does that to each of us.  In the parent/child relationship the parent is close by to watch (and catch if necessary) to see the amazing feat.

God, just like a parent, is there with us to watch us fly or to catch us if we lose trust.  Just like in Matthew 14:28-31.  Peter saw Jesus walking on the water and said "Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water".  Peter, with his eyes on Jesus, walked on water when he knew that was not possible.  But as the winds came and he took his eyes off of Jesus he began to sink.  We are all like Peter.  We feel as though we can do anything when we have our eyes on Him.  Why then do we look away?

So this summer I am setting out on a path.  Each morning I'm looking to God and asking What are your plans for me today? In the quiet morning I will listen to his reply, knowing full well that he will test me and challenge me to burst through that wall of fear to get to the other side.  As is written in Jeremiah 29:11-12 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

What's Your Sign?

I was raised in the church.  I've always had faith, or so I thought.  Websters defines faith as 1) having complete trust in something or someone; 2) belief in the existence of God. I have a foundation with a belief in the existence of God. But does that mean that I have complete trust in him?
I have been reading a book called Jesus, Life Coach written by Laurie Beth Jones. It is a nice book to read at night because the chapters are short and each one is a standalone chapter so you don't feel like you have to keep reading to find out 'whodunit'. And honestly, if you look at the title you already know 'whodunit'.

One of the chapters discussed having a sign with God.  A sign that reminds us that he is there for us even if we don't feel like it.  The sign the author chose was a ladybug. She described several examples of how God sent her a ladybug when she most needed it.  I don't know about you, but I've always wanted to have that directional sign to show me the way from God.  You know what I'm talking about, the one at the fork in the road that says 'Success this Way' and points one direction and the other sign says something like 'Danger' or 'Only choose this path if you want to stumble and fall'  So I figured I would give this a chance.

I was all set to ask God to use the ladybug to be a sign for me too.  I asked God to please send me a ........butterfly.  WHAT?  How did that happen? Honestly, I had not even thought about butterflies but there it was.  Now how could I argue with that.  Ok God, send me a butterfly when I am uncertain or need to feel like I have chosen the right path.

I have come to love the creativity of God.  The next morning, the first post I saw on Facebook (yes, I still look at Facebook while I'm drinking my coffee in the morning) was a butterfly.  I really don't remember what the post was or who posted it, I just remember smiling.  Since then I have seen butterflies in amazing places.  Each time I see one I smile and wonder how did I get from ladybug to butterfly.  And then I remember, God has a plan for each of us.

So now not only do I have a belief in God, but I have this new found FAITH in God that he is with me and he will remind me when my faith is faltering by sending me butterflies.

The Gift of Encouragement

In Romans 12:6 Paul says "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us."   In my bible study class last week we were asked to look at each of the gifts listed and determine what our gift is.

There are not many times when I feel like I hear God speaking directly to me, but as I looked at each of the gifts one jumped out at me: Encourage.  Romans 12:8 "if it is to encourage, then give encouragement."

In a previous post 'I've been lying to myself' I discussed how Cancer had given me hope.  Now I'm realizing that I was also given the gift of encouragement.
Over the last four years I have been approached by many people who were recently diagnosed with cancer.  They all knew that I had cancer and I think they were just wanting someone to listen and give support (some did ask for specific advice, but not all of them).  I had not really thought much about that until last week when the word was put in front of me so directly.

If you have read any of my posts you know that I believe in God.  My gift is to encourage others to live by Faith.  My life is far from perfect, if it were I would not have Stage IV cancer, but my faith allows be to find the joy in the everyday.

The old saying "the grass is greener on the other side" doesn't apply.  With faith the grass on your side is as green as you want it to be.  I choose every day to get up and see my grass green as the Emerald city (although sometimes I think the Emerald city does need to be mowed).  I choose to live by Faith to be an example to others and encourage them to do the same.

I'm not really sure where this gift is going to take me, but I am going to buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Customer Focused

We have been eating out and going out a little bit more than usual this month.  Mostly because my daughters had different Spring Breaks this year and with one in college and the other one looking at colleges we were on the road or just running around town a lot.

I have become acutely aware of places that are Customer Focused and those that are not.  I use the term focused because it goes beyond service to actually see the customer, recognize that there are some simple things that can be done to help the customer while transacting business.  And by doing that, encourage the customer to come back to that store/restaurant again.  From my perspective as someone who sometimes needs a little help (but then don't we all really) customer service is providing the customer the service that they expect in a respectful manner; customer Focused is going beyond expectation and seeing the customer as another human being who may need something beyond what might be just expected.

Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.  This week I accompanied my mother in law to a Verizon store.  We have been customers with Verizon for many years.  Mostly because one person took the time to understand my problem and helped me solve it.  At that time I was ready to leave Verizon and find another cell phone provider, but because he took the time to listen and help solve the problem I have been a loyal Verizon customer.  So much so that I have followed him as he has been transferred all around the Austin area.  Now he is the manager of a fairly large location in North Central Austin and I drive 45 minutes to go to his store.  When we went to his store this week, Jason was not there.  We were greeted by Peter and he made us feel welcome and answered all of our questions in a very professional and customer service oriented way.  As is usually the case when you are getting a new phone, the paper work takes a while and I was getting tired of standing.  I sat on a stool that was in the store.  Peter noticed and asked if I would like him to move it closer to the computer where he was working so I didn't have to get up every time he needed a signature. During our conversation about phones, my mother in law mentioned that she lives/works on a farm.  When Peter went to the back to get the new phone, he brought out several phone cases.  Expected? Yes.  Every good phone sales person will try to sell you all of the accessories.  Unexpected? He brought several for her to choose from, one of which was a Hunter orange otter box case.  He thought she might like that because we talked about how someone she knew dropped hers in  field and couldn't find it later.  When we had finally gotten the phone activated and were leaving the store Peter carried our bag (we also got a free tablet) to our car. Customer focused!  I got home from the trip to the Verizon store and sent a text to Jason telling him how great Peter was.  How many times do you share a good story with a manager?  

Yesterday I took a friend out to lunch.  We went to Chick Fil-A.  If you have ever been to a Chick Fil A at lunch you know they get very busy.  Instead of giving you a number they ask for your name so that they can call you when your order is ready (or bring it to your table depending on the location).  I was paying for our order and handed the cashier my debit card.  She took the time to look at it before she processed it and said "your order will be out shortly Kim".  That doesn't sound like much but that personal touch can be just what someone needs to brighten up their day.  I told her how awesome it was that she didn't even have to ask my name for the order.  So many people would not have thought to even look at the card they just make the transaction and proceed to the next customer. Customer Focused.  I was not just another transaction, I was a person with a name.  How refreshing.

Granted I have stories of the other extreme.  The take a number, next, robotic response.  But I choose to look for the places and return to the places where people are happy to look you in the eye, engage with you and recognize that there is something that they can do to make the simplest of transactions just a little more pleasant.  

I've been lying to myself...

I have been lying to myself.  For the past four years I have tried to tell myself and others that I will not let cancer define me.  Although I have cancer you might be surprised to learn that fact if we met on the street.  I don't look sick.  The only indication that I'm not a marathon runner (ha ha) is that I walk with a cane and have a limp. I don't even like to answer the question that inevitably comes "what happened?" I don't want people to think "oh, I'm so sorry" or give me the pity look or the general uncomfortableness that people feel when they don't know how to respond.  I don't want that to be how people see me.

But that changed today. Today I had an aha moment.  Cancer has defined me.  I have grown in many ways since I was first diagnosed with cancer.  And in even more ways since I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.  How can that NOT define me?  

I have some great people in my life because of cancer. Some of the people that I have met in the last 4 years may not have crossed my path if I did not have cancer.  I have started making decisions in a different way because of cancer.  I enjoy life more because of cancer.  I enjoy friends more because of cancer. I have come closer to God because I have cancer.  

I believe that I have shown my children and hopefully some of my friends that having cancer is not a death sentence (at least not in the present tense).  It is a life sentence.  Cancer teaches you how to appreciate life and those in your life. Is every day rosy? No.  But is every day rosy when you don't have cancer? NO.

Cancer has taught me to have hope (hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen). I hope

1. to see my kids graduate from high school (one has); graduate from college; get married and have kids of their own. 
2. to have lots of friends to be able to enjoy coffee, lunch, dinner or some other fun (movies and Top Golf are definitely fun). 
3. to be an inspiration for someone else, either another person diagnosed with cancer or even better someone who just needs to see that you can find joy no matter what your circumstances.

So, I am proud that cancer has, in fact, defined me.  I hope that it has defined me in a way that when someone gives me "that look" it is a look of wonderment and not sympathy.  And if we meet on the street I will tell you proudly I have Cancer and I am better for it.

Diffusing Essential Oils

So I got my YL Essential Oil starter kit with a diffuser.  Now what?

Well, I have to say I love my diffuser.  Right now cedar counts are off the charts.  I have been diffusing lemon and lavender during the day to help with my breathing.
Experimenting with oils is the best way to decide which ones you like.

• Stress Away is a great oil to use in the diffuser, especially when people are getting a little on edge.  
• Purification is great to eliminate smells and put a nice fresh smell in the room.  
• If you have been around someone with the flu, or just want to keep your household healthy, try Thieves in your home diffuser.
• Citrus Fresh is a nice refreshing smell that is uplifting.

Don't go overboard on the drops that you put in the diffuser. Be careful the first time you add drops, although the instructions may say that you can add 10 drops, I have found that half of that will be plenty to get the effect I am looking for.  Remember, you can always add more if you feel like you need to.

A diffuser can be a great addition to the house and you may just find yourself wondering how you lived without one.