I've been lying to myself...

I have been lying to myself.  For the past four years I have tried to tell myself and others that I will not let cancer define me.  Although I have cancer you might be surprised to learn that fact if we met on the street.  I don't look sick.  The only indication that I'm not a marathon runner (ha ha) is that I walk with a cane and have a limp. I don't even like to answer the question that inevitably comes "what happened?" I don't want people to think "oh, I'm so sorry" or give me the pity look or the general uncomfortableness that people feel when they don't know how to respond.  I don't want that to be how people see me.

But that changed today. Today I had an aha moment.  Cancer has defined me.  I have grown in many ways since I was first diagnosed with cancer.  And in even more ways since I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.  How can that NOT define me?  

I have some great people in my life because of cancer. Some of the people that I have met in the last 4 years may not have crossed my path if I did not have cancer.  I have started making decisions in a different way because of cancer.  I enjoy life more because of cancer.  I enjoy friends more because of cancer. I have come closer to God because I have cancer.  

I believe that I have shown my children and hopefully some of my friends that having cancer is not a death sentence (at least not in the present tense).  It is a life sentence.  Cancer teaches you how to appreciate life and those in your life. Is every day rosy? No.  But is every day rosy when you don't have cancer? NO.

Cancer has taught me to have hope (hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen). I hope

1. to see my kids graduate from high school (one has); graduate from college; get married and have kids of their own. 
2. to have lots of friends to be able to enjoy coffee, lunch, dinner or some other fun (movies and Top Golf are definitely fun). 
3. to be an inspiration for someone else, either another person diagnosed with cancer or even better someone who just needs to see that you can find joy no matter what your circumstances.

So, I am proud that cancer has, in fact, defined me.  I hope that it has defined me in a way that when someone gives me "that look" it is a look of wonderment and not sympathy.  And if we meet on the street I will tell you proudly I have Cancer and I am better for it.